The last couple of months I have been trying to not use "Christmas Day" as the deadline for Kenley coming home. This whole journey has been such an emotional rollar coaster that I honestly think I was trying, once again, to shield myself from the pain if that did not happen, if he wasn't home by this Christmas. I thought I had done a good job of tricking myself but I realize now that you can't fool your own heart. The other night, it hit me like a ton of bricks. My Kenley is most likely not going to be home for this Christmas. Why?!?!?!? I don't know. It seemed possible. I thought for sure that things would just fly once we got in MOI. I'm just so frustrated. I know there are families that have waited much longer and if you are one of them, please don't compare or judge. I am just venting. I thought I would be O.K. but it's not O.K. I miss him so much and there are so many things that I don't understand. My heart feels broken, I feel empty inside and I hate this. I'm tired of being dissapointed and I'm tired of losing hope. I'm tired of reading blogs everyday and crying for all the families that are hurting because of this ludicris process. There is nothing I can do except pray and right now I just don't feel like God is hearing me.
Friday, December 5, 2008
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14 comments:
Mary Kathleen,
I wish I could wave my magic "mom" wand, take you in my lap, give you a kiss and put a band-aid on it and make it all better-like when you were little. This is the love I'm sending to you now. I love you bunches baby girl.
MOM
Been there, spent Monday and Tuesday laying around, getting very little accomplished and moping. And I think the whole crux of it was that Kenson probably won't be home before Christmas. I wrote a lot in my journal and wrote down all the deadlines that I thought for sure we'd be the ones we'd be home by and cried a lot and maybe admitted for the first time that I'm kind of mad at God about it. (Which I didn't think I was but I think I'm a little teed off. Not majorly mad, just annoyed.) But I've felt a lot better since then so maybe it was just admitting that it might be after Christmas and that I really was frustrated that God didn't seem to be acting. It's tough and it sucks; I hear your pain and know that broken hearted prayer of "Why don't You do something?"
It doesn't feel like it, but you are closer than ever before. And tomorrow you will be even closer. I know saying this really doesn't help, but its true. Hang in there. He's coming home, he really is. Terry
Ahhh I had one of those days not too long ago. Hang in there. This process is *so* hard on the heart. Your sweet boy will come home, I know you know that. Nothing I could tell you would help but know that there are people thinking about you and praying for your family.
I hope you get some good news soon.
The holidays are an especially hard time to be apart from those we love. I empathize with you... and I am sorry for your pain.
It makes no sense!!
I turned my dossier in 2 mo after you and I'm sitting in parquet. Seems like it's slower and slower.
I hope you get good news soon.
I know I already posted something but I just wanted to remind you of the Psalm that says He keeps our tears in a bottle. God does see our pain and knows exactly how many tears we cry. Easier for you head to get it than your heart, I know.
I can relate! The waiting is infuriating. I hope things move quickly for you.
I hear you Mary...
The video and photos of S. we get are actually harder to look at now when we have no clue of a timeline. It hurts, I know, I try to hold on to the fact that God has a plan..its so much bigger than us or our plan.
Love ya...hang in there!
I just stumbled on your blog, but it is very funny. We are also adopting a 3 year old Kenley from Haiti. We have been in MOI since September and are waiting to get out. We are also waiting on the orphanage staff to locate his birth mother for her interview. Just thought the coincidences were too much. I had to look at your Kenley's picture just to make sure it wasn't the same kid ;)
Check out our blog if you have time...www.bringinghomekenley.blogspot.com
Just checking to see if you had news. It might be fun to have a special Christmas just for him when he gets home. It might be less hectic and confusing for him. I don't understand why those last few steps--passports, visas etc take so long. The whole process seems to be checking and rechecking signatures etc.
I want so much for your precious little boy to be home for Christmas where he belongs...I am praying for you. Even though I am in a different stage of the adoption, I can totally relate to wanting your baby in your arms especially for Christmas. This process is so very hard on the heart, and it weighs so heavily. Hold on to your faith....your wait is almost over. (And I hope your tree is artificial, because I would leave it up if Kenley does arrive a few days late...remember there are 12 days of Christmas)
Oh Josh and Mary...what dear friends you have. Reading all these blogs you can feel all these people reaching out to you, loving you. You and Josh move through your pain so quietly...I would not know of your pain sometimes, unless I read your blogs. Your choice to continue to trust and hope in God will not go unrewarded. Because God is a faithful and compassionate God. And He rewards those that eagerly seek Him...probably more during these tough times. And I know you and Josh eagerly seek Him. I love you all so much...keep the faith, keep the JOY, stand firm in your most Holy faith, and your hope will be realized!!! Take heart! Your beautiful boy will be home soon! All my love, Mom
Mary & Josh,
I am so proud of both you. I can't imagine the frustration you are feeling. Your family (including Kenley of course) are in my thoughts and prayers. God has a plan, even though you know this, it is OK to be angry and sad.
I appreciate being an open book. My heart cries when I read your pain, because I feel it with you.
God bless you!!!
Your reward is coming!
Love Wendy
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